Excerpts From Old LiveJournals

I haven’t talked to him today.

So much has been wrong lately. I was hoping to bring it up tonight… I was sure he would be on, how could he not be? There’s no way play rehearsal lasted from 11:30 AM - 10 PM and in the offchance he was on when I was mowing the lawn or watching TV or sleeping and not working on this stupid paper, why didn’t he email? And if his computer is down, why didn’t he text? I’m not going to be the initiator again.

I hate feeling like he doesn’t give a shit.

What’s worse, is I don’t even know how to bring it up. I don’t know how to say “I don’t think you care about me anymore” without sounding clingy. I can’t sound clingy. I’ve seen enough fucked relationships and enough chick flicks to know being clingy is a bad thing. Like “we need to talk” and showing any negative emotion whatsoever, I’m so terribly afraid he’ll dump me like a hot potato if I mention anything.

I’m so scared to be serious for ten seconds because I can’t help thinking “Oh, I wonder if he talks about this with Johnny” and then I feel ridiculous and I would just like an honest conversation where everything that has been bothering me will come out but I can’t. I don’t want to be the weak one.

-I hate the way he’s never online.
-I hate the way he didn’t ever send me a letter back… I bet he forgot.
-I hate the way he’s never very talkative anymore.
-I hate the way he’s never halfway “romantic” and I’m putting that in quotations because … yeah. Maybe sweet is a better word.
-I hate the way I can’t tell if he even wants me to come to Emporia.
-I hate the way he doesn’t seem to care.
-I hate the way he never texts me anymore.
-I hate the way I love him.
-I hate that I just admitted that.

I just want some assuration I’m not the only one in this relationship.

Current Mood: crushed