30 April 2004 @ 07:45 pm
title:guys and me… the improbable connection
feeling:dreamy/reflective
listening to:“U dont know my name” Alicia keys on mtv
yeah, cuz ive made sum allusions to guys throughout the journal, but i didnt have yet the occasion to explicit my sadly desert sentimental life. Now, i permit my friends to skip this entry becuz they know all about it :) but if sum ppl actually fall on this journal by error, thgey can go ahead cuz i dont give a damn lol.
Ok, well, if i must start from the beginning, ill say my first experience with guys started when i was three, and i used to fight over a guy with sum chick (and i won LOL-watch me beating the crap out of ppl). When i was five and i was in kindergarten in chicago, i was in a class with three boys and one other chick. I was “going out” with one, was the biggest crush of the second, and was having a huge crush on the third…now wasnt life so beautiful back then?
in primary i suddenly had thing against guys.oh i liked them-but i liked to piss them off. but they didnt mind so it was ok…
once i came to this high school, its started getting tough. To be perfectly honest, i was pretty ugly back then, shy and such a tomboy. but i didnt really give a damn about guys anymore. sure, i found sum cute and shit, but hell, guys were just not for me. not yet.
Until this day in ninth grade, when i was fourteen. I fell madly in love with this guy in my class, i had no idea what was happening to me. At first i thought it was just a crush-of-the-month thing. I had no idea why i liked him. And i had no idea why i should stop liking him. This incertitude about what i felt made me hide my feelings from everyone for nearly six months, even to my best friend of the time (which, by the way, i cant stand anymore). By the time i told her, i just knew i wasnt gonna get rid of that crush for a long looong time. But,naive as i was, i was sure that i was gonna end up with him anyway.
That’s why, during summer vacation, which is the ideal time of the year to stop crushin on a guy, i spent two whole months absolutely persuaded that he was gonna be in my class and talk to me and become my friend and more…
Harder was the fall. He wasnt in my class, i had absolutely no chance of seeing him, apart from sum quick glances in the hallways. But i just couldnt let go of him. it was comforting to have sum one to think of before u fall asleep, a reason to get urself dressed and to smile. it took me my whole seconde year to get over him. i promised myself not to get into that sort of crush any time soon.
sum ppl have the chance to never to have felt this way. im not being ironic, its true.im realizing now that its just so good to feel free, not to have to feel obliged to think about the same guy day after day, becoming ridiculously faithful to a guy who doesnt know you exist.
So this year, ive had sum few crushes, but not that important. i always made sure i knew why i liked the guysand take my distance. So ive had a crush on P, F…anyways, all to cum to one point: S. Quite ironically, he is one of my ex-crushs’ best friends (P and F’s). and just when i wasnt in luv with anyone, Momo reminded me of sum strange looks senior had given me… and the more i thought about it, the more i was “hey! is that my chance of actually finding sum one?” so i decided, with Momo’s help/ advice to try to get to know him more, cuz i dont feel like letting things go like i used to. now i guess from an exterior point of view, u cant exctly see if sumthing is happening, but im not the direct type. anyways, i just hope ill get him for the prom…
Well, for the love life of noone, that was a lot.
luv to all of those who actually read the whole thing (respect)
