Excerpts From Old LiveJournals

14 May 2004 @ 07:40 pm

title: Why ill end up as the corpse of an old maid eaten up by her thirteen cats

feeling: contemplative

listening to: “The End has Come” Ben Moody&Jason Miller

I’ll start with a memory from not too long ago which sort of disturbed me.we were at F’ concert, and in the crowd there was one of my friends ex-crushs. Whilst we were having fun, she suddenly told me “he’s staring at you”. suddenly i felt uneasy, and sort of… guilty. even though a huge part of my brain is used for the sole purpose of putting guilt on other’s shoulders. And i wasnt guilty that time, i mean, i hadnt come to that place just so that the guy could look at me. i just felt bad because i thought id hurt my friend’s feelings without doing it on purpose(not that i hurt my friends feelings on purpose on the first place).

But ive come to a conclusion. Im definitely no threat.

Its sad, but i think im a new kind of woman object. as in museums:”touch with your eyes” im pretty much aware that a lot(ok, not that much) of guys think im cute or sumthin and look at me. At first i thought it was flattering, until i realized that they dont care for whats behind the mask. and they’re right. theres nothing to see.except immaturity. rowdiness. stone cold. emptiness. because thats what i show to others.bcuz im not sure i wanna show the rest. and i dont think any guy actually liked me enough to go dig that deep.and i dont feel like exposing myself and being the weak one.

ive been waiting for so long for the prince charming, i think hes never gonna come. ill die alone. eaten by my thirteen cats, and the neighbours will find my body only when the stench coming through the door will be unbearable. tough.

Age: 16

29 April 2004 @ 6:31 am

we take the PSAE today. yuck. tests are stupid. I hate tests. they say that these standarized tests will not actually determine our lives. but I don’t believe them, whoever “them” may be. it’s probably just a large conspiracy, coordinated by John Aschcroft. yeah.

Age: 16

June 2003

There’s a world that’s really not too far

From the place you call your home,

Where the playful winds can race and stop

To stir an ocean’s purple foam.

Where the scaly birds crawl blindly

Across the molten liquid ground,

Where gophers gamble and game away

And the flying moose abound.

Where the sweetest smells are sickly

And the sugar-candy sour,

Where the sharpest point grows duller

With every single passing hour.

Where the pompous people scamper

Into their rainbow crystal caves,

To escape the burning frigid heat

That strikes in harmless deadly waves.

And the silver sun smiles down upon

The pale crimson sky,

With glowing beams of brilliant black

To which the thirteen moons reply.

It’s a world that’s really not too far

Though fantastic it may seem,

A world of complex simplicity

And it’s called my waking dream.

Age: 15

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December 2001

i am everything you accuse me of being

a clock, endlessly ticking, 

wearing away your nerves

a castle, tall against the sky, 

blocking your hopes for a future

i am everywhere, everything you see

a ray of light, blinding you

a sweet puppy grown into a monstrous dog

speck of sand on an ocean shore

not important, yet part of something bigger

a meaningless entity in matters of the world

but center of my universe

you can’t stand me, but you can’t live without me

a chore and a joy

a part of you, but at times i seem alien

i try to be what you want me to be, but i can’t 

i am only me

13 April 2005 @ 07:25 pm

Title: I cant take it anymore…

Im at the end of my rope…i’m tired of suffering again and again, not knowing when to stop even when common sense tells me itll hurt me… Seriously, it’s horrible, i wanna be anywhere except here, anyone except me.

I’m so weak, i only have contempt for myself… i resent myself so much

And there’s only one thing i’m asking to the world: reciprocity. Shit, can’t i find that anywhere? does it even exist?

i’m numb from aching, i dont even know anymore why i’m in this state. I just want to find a way to escape.

There’s no fucking way out

Age 17

13 December 2003

tears wet her eyes

and she’s about to cry
and says she just wants to die

all she wants you to say
is it’s okay
and it’ll all be over any day

just wait and see
for the moments in between

Age: 14

I can’t make it on my own

Current mood: crying
Current music: ben franklin’s kite - SoCo

i have never been so terrified in my entire life.

i thought we left all this behind us in chicago. i drove 13 hours thinking i had a fresh start.

i cant stop the tears from coming now, and i realized i have no one left to turn too.

i gave up everything for you, and now you’re saying that we’re headed two different directions.

i never knew i could hurt this badly. this pain in my chest, it won’t stop.

i can feel my heart breaking.

i wish i could die now, to stop this pain.

i need you. i want you. i love you.

i thought that was enough.

but i thought wrong.

Currently Playing: North - Something Corporate

sometimes i drive on the abandoned streets of new neighborhoods too fast just to feel the adrenaline pumping in my veins, the blood rushing to my head, and the heartbeat screaming from my chest. to feel the danger and uncertainty of every turn, every corner. to discover a new path everytime.


in other words, to feel the way i feel when i’m with you.

06 December 2004 @ 07:19 pm

title: wow. kinda sad.

yeah, ive never had that much attention from so many male human beings for a while.

First this mornin, Senior passed a brochure around for “undegraduate business schools” and asked me with a smile “you wanna go to a business school, right?”=>meaning he knows stuff from my life and remembers…not like last year when he must have asked me 3times where i lived. Now i suspect that my mom, who believes that Senior is the definite ideal son-in-law, has probably paid him to make me believe stuff.

Afternoon, i talked to josh for a good 20 something minutes in da library.twas pretty cool. Then a guy from his class came in to tell him sumthin, and then turned to e and said “Hey Chloe! what’s up?”. I realized with shock that this guy was matthew, a schoolmate from…elementary, sixth grade? and he remembered me?well i say wow!!

Going up to da general exam thing, i met up wit josh again.

and a t six, i did a race up da hill wit jones.

it seems like im not dat hopeless after all.

Age: 17